Happy Landings aviation humor

 

Aviation articles by Garth Wallace

14/ Five things your flying instructor didn’t teach you

Here are five just-for-fun flying tips that you didn't learn from your instructor, for good reasons.

1/ Taxiing backward
Say you have landed in a strong wind and you need to backtrack. That was poor planning but there you are. Normally to turn around, you’d press a rudder pedal and maybe add a touch of power and a little differential braking in the direction of the turn.
What if the airplane refuses to go around? You could try it again with full rudder, more power and harder braking. Keep it up and at some point the airplane will either turn or flip over or both. If it tips, note the wind velocity. You now know the wind strength where it gets expensive trying to turn your airplane around.
What to do? Back the airplane up. This is borrowed from seaplane pilots. Shut down the engine, extend the flaps if equipped, open the door or doors and let the wind do the work. All you do is steer.
To manoeuver backward in a tricycle-geared airplane with nosewheel steering, press the right rudder pedal to roll backward to the right, and the left pedal for left. A touch of differential braking may be required since the nosewheel and the rudder are working against each other.
Without a back window, you’ll need to zigzag to see where you’re going. Leave the radio on so you can tell the controller that you are not drunk, if you’re not.
Don’t forget that slamming on the brakes of a tricycle-geared aircraft going backward can have the same effect as doing the same to a taildragger taxiing forward.
In a taildragger, use the left rudder pedal to back up to the right, and right for left. Differential braking might help steering. Use left rudder and right brake to steer right and the opposite to go left.
In a tricycle airplane with a castoring nosewheel, steering backward might be impossible. Sometimes there are tabs on the nose gear stopping the wheel from swinging all the way around. Pulling the elevator up might lift the nosewheel off the ground and allow rearward steering with rudder and brake. Use them the same way as with a taildragger since your tricycle airplane is dragging its tail.

2/ Inducing childbirth
There is an aviation wives’ tale that says high altitude helps induce childbirth. The reduced outside air pressure is supposed to make it easier for the overdue event to occur. Don’t believe it.
Flying a female passenger to 10,000 feet in her tenth month of pregnancy will ensure a birth but it has nothing to do with air pressure. The cause is Murphy’s Law. The law says that a non-medically qualified pilot flying an overdue mother up to altitude in a small airplane will always produce a baby. She might have twins if the pilot is alone with her, the autopilot is not working or uninstalled and there is turbulence. Are these situations that you would like to be in?
If the pregnant parent-to-be is the pilot, a high-altitude birth is guaranteed. This is why air regulations disqualify females as flyers during advanced pregnancy.
What to do? Send her to Denver on the airlines. The airlines need the fare, are better trained and equipped to handle an in-flight birth and the baby might end up with dual citizenship.

3/ Tachometer and time
Hands up everyone who uses the hour meter on the aircraft tachometer to record air time. You are ripping yourself off.
The tach time is only accurate at one power setting and that’s usually around 2300 rpm. If you cruise at a lower power, the meter ticks over at a slower rate than real time. That would save on aircraft inspections which are based on air time but who flies below 2300 rpm? Nobody does on takeoff or in a climb and few pilots do in cruise. At higher power settings, the hour recorder on the tach runs faster than the clock. Aircraft inspections come up sooner if the tach is used for air time.
The meter also works on the ground. It’s clocking slowly at idle but it’s turning and adding to the air time which doesn’t have to start until liftoff.
What to do? Use real time for air time. Since aircraft clocks are as reliable as weather forecasts, wear a watch or count steamboats from liftoff to touchdown. Pilots of retractable-gear aircraft can buy clocks that start recording air time when the wheels are retracted. They get a free flight when they forget to raise the gear.

4/ Gliding for fuel economy
It is possible to save a small bit of fuel in powered aircraft by shutting the engine down near the end of a trip and gliding to the destination. It’s stupid but it’s possible.
The problem is that the engine cools down and won’t restart because it’s cold and/or the cylinders have cracked. This becomes a big problem if you own the airplane and you misjudge the glide.
What airspeed? Powered aircraft handbooks that offer glide speed and distance information usually give it for the aircraft’s maximum gross weight in zero wind.
This is interesting since powered aircraft that take off at maximum weight get lighter as fuel is burned. So they never fly at gross weight after takeoff, right?
The "zero wind" thing is also interesting. How many times have you flown in no-wind conditions? Me either.
What to do? Use the normal approach speed for a glide speed. If you are light, raise the nose slightly and slow down a few knots to go further. When gliding into a strong wind, lower the nose a bit to speed up a few knots. The result should be the same glide speed that was taught on the forced approach lesson.

5/ Water skiing tips
Aviation water skiing is flying a wheelplane on water. There are plenty of reasons not to do this, a good one being the destruction of the aircraft and everyone in it. This might be why your instructor didn’t teach it to you.
But if you find yourself water skiing, say when landing on a short sand spit or simply ditching in a wheelplane, here are some tips.
Brakes on: You can tell when novices are practising water skiing. They forget to hold the brakes. The free wheeling tires spin and throw water which reduces vision, even in low-wing airplanes. Don’t forget to release the brakes before hitting the beach.
If you are planning on water skiing, leave the wheel fairings at home. They tend to fill with water and explode.
Intentional water skiing in an airplane with retractable landing wheels should be done with the gear down.
Good luck, you’ll need it.

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